chasing ghosts

hmmmm, feelin' kinda beat down & tired. been doing a lot of work, both at work (shocking!, I know) and on the bike, would need to dig deep into the log to find a week that tallied less than 10hrs of saddle time. But, I've got that fucking monkey on my back, and that sum bitch ain't leavin' until I kick him to the curb come first week of July.

so, yeah, hellz yeah, I'm all in. fuck it. if not now, then when? if not me, then who? Mac Boy'es speaks a wise wise word, sage advice. I was the stupid fucker who said it out loud to the world back in January. Time the walk the walk and back up the talk. No resting on flimsy bullshit laurels, you're only as good as your last race. Time to head into uncharted territory (but not really if you look back to the turn of the century, those dudes were BAD ASS!, I'm just chasing ghosts). Get my head straight, break down the task into managable chunks, and get the job done. I'm scared as hell, but I know that I can do this, I know that I can do this. It's been done, just not recently, what's old is new again......

Some of ya'll may wonder 'why?' Why would this bloke wanna ride a fixed wheel bicycle thru five soul crushing stages plus a prologue? why why why? Why not just chase yet another insignificant GC spot....

been there, done that.

What I know is this. A few years back I got bored with roundyround lappity lap 'XC racing.' This coincided with the emergence of 'endurance' events; hundies, XXC's & Monsters and my baptism by fire into the Grand Tour scene. Had some 'success,' then last year saw another run at 24hr racing with a duo throwdown at Big Bear. Never ever thought I could suffer that bad and survive; props to super teammate Jake and Eric & Barry for the support. Then that damn birdy on the shoulder; at le Tour, fucking Joel says, "Let's all fix the Hundie, party pace, make it a big fun day."

So, after le Tour, I fixed my ss. Got the opportunity to race the 101 instead of volunteering, and I figured, what the hell, I'll fix it, how bad could it be? My fourth ever ride on a fixed wheel in my life was the 101. I never did write a 'race report.' I never will. I came face to face with some internal darkness and dug out a whole new level in the proverbial pain cave. Some things are best left unsaid.

But, the one simple epiphany that struck home unlike any other during that loooong day, was finally admitting to myself:

I'm not normal.
I have issues.

And now I say FUCK IT!
I don't care if I wreck my season, I don't care if I have to fucking walk my bike up every fucking climb after stage 3 or get dropped and slum solo on the road stages. I just don't fucking care.

I'm gonna finish this thing & see it thru, one way or the other.

I wasn't out there in 30mph, 20deg winds this winter to throw in the towel 3 weeks out. My shoulder didn't look like this because I'm a fucking quitter:
I didn't roll out in 37deg rain and wind for the umpteenth time to pull up short now. I didn't just puke my guts out on Whetstone at il Giro to not make the attempt. I haven't scared myself shitless on practically every single fixed mtn ride to not make a run at it.

I'm gonna start this fucking thing on a fixed wheel, and I'm gonna finish it on a fucking fixed wheel. And I'm not gonna be DFL, I refuse to lose. Or I'll go home in tears.

And if you don't think I can do it,
then this is about all I have left to say about that:

ps: this post got sidetracked a bit, was gonna be a bunch of groovey pics, ya'll will have to wait for those......


camps said...

You kiddin'?
These insightful words are worth 1000 groovey pictures.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what's gonna be worse. Fixing the tour, or putting up with the bitch that's fixing the tour.

butthole said...

what the fuck is this "season" thing anyway? ruin my season? LOGIC must NEVER get in the way of planning a fixxxy endevour!!!

Tomi said...

yeah, I'm a whiney primadonna bitch, like ya'll didn't know this already....