5/25/17

lost.

we lost.

we lost, dammit.

we lost our local trout stream to progress.

I didn't do enough.
I didn't start soon enough.
I wasn't there, enough.

we lost that trout stream,
if only everybody knew the cost.

oh well.

3/30/17

too long for Facebook....

Website ideas, sometimes it's easier when I write it down? #brainfarting


And even if you can read my scribble...whatev's. And that's the thing, sorta, but not really...whatev's, meh. I've always held CVTU in the highest regard. 
I see it everyday, first thing in the morning, vintage CVTU hangs on my walls, decor from the bed to the bathroom. The legacy fills my bookshelves. It's not just about being able to catch a trout here or there in the here and now. It's about legacy as much as what can we do next? what do we need to do next, what needs to be done now? 
Which is why I get so strung out, so stressed and...well...you know, ya'll have seen it . This Presidenting gig isn't just about 'my' agenda...it's about carrying that torch that's been handed down...all the way down from Mr. Fox, 50-60 years worth. And preserving that legacy and doing right by it, by him and all of them whose shoulders I/we stand upon.  
Look, I know I'm rough around edges, I know I should bite my tongue at times and just go to bed....but this is a passion, which I don't take lightly, and don't ever expect to, and when I do, I'm done, when I don't care enough, I shouldn't be in charge. Isn't that a given?....ohhh to be where I was 10yrs ago, 37yr old peak bike racer....but tis what I is & tis where I'm at, because to be so otherwise would be a disservice...not like I just stumbled into this. So I soldier on, do the best to stay true, continue fighting the good fight and maybe even sneak in a bike ride or actually go fishin' every once in a while. Because, what else can you do?
I've got untold respect for the shoes I try to fill, only hope I do them justice....time will tell I guess.

1/25/17

back talk

today I 'back talked' the boss, 

"Don't tell me what I said."

Well, then don't fucking tell me what I did was wrong when it's you who told me to do so...he hung up on me.

Phone got thrown, desk almost got flipped, literally, but it's a heavy sum bitch....so it only ended up a-kilter on a collapsed leg after a push and a kick....find somebody else to fucking program and design on your fucking antiques...err, I mean, 'legacy equipment.'

I need a change, I fear, before I really snap....fuck.

Also, 4:15 appointment to get the tooth stitches out, sat in a chair until all about 6pm. Best healthcare in the world, right?

1/24/17

finding feet

this is a good article, trying to take it to heart:

https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

Been trying to be a leader, thru compromise and trying to be 'liked'.
In order to keep order and just 'get things done.'

And what's actually gotten done during my time?

At this point, I can either throw in the towel and just fucking walk away.

Or.

I can take heed, not give one flying fuck about the petty bullshit, demonstrate I don't give fucks about petty bullshit and bang on thru with what I think is right, with what I think needs done and just fucking fight for what I think is right.

Show some fucking balls and start leading by example.

"I'm willing to put my neck on the line for this, are you?"


If the cause is just, maybe they'll follow....or not.

I can always just walk away, not like the pay is all that great.

8/11/16

fuck you.

i want to rant.

i soooooo want to rant.

but the exhaustion.

the bafflement.

jaw dropping
exorcist head spinning
fucking bewilderment.

you've heard about that guy,
I've now run across him.

All I wanna do is fight
for cold clean water
and if we build it,
they will come.

fight those battles.

Not perform a trimonthly
self inflicted fucking triage
because of some fucking
cuntbag's personal battle
for self aggrandizing
justice.

fuck him.

I didn't sign up for this,
but I will see it thru.

12/23/15

at the bar...

this conversation I had tonight....I've got something to say about that.

I think I made a point.

We talked about 'taking out the bad guys.' My new friend also talked about building 'community' and how that is the answer to gun control....pare it down and it sounds an awful lot like local militia type stuff...but anyways.....talkin' about taking out the bad guys, put a bullet in their head, meth head/dealer/druggie/lowlife...dude had lived in some rough neighborhoods, bullet in the head, that is the prescription, regardless.

OK then.

Terrorists are bad guys too, right? We can all agree to that....

9/11 was how long ago?

And our response was?

"Bullet in the head" for the most part.

So we went in there, and put a bullet in the head of all of those extremists.

And you know what? Those extremists had families, just as all those meth heads, crack dealers and druggie lowlifes do.

How old do you think those 4, 5, 10 & 12 year olds are now? How do you think those kids view this world of ours? Those kids who saw their world bombed back to the middle ages or who saw their Uncle's wedding get drone striked...what do you think those kids are up to today?

What do you think those kids are up to, today?

9/21/15

Fondo

fuck me.

I haven't put myself thru
something like that in a
long time.

I'm not even looking
at reasons why.

It was a bad day compiled
by poor preperation.

These legs of Sept are not
those legs of summer.

I cracked at mile 50.
Though I got thru the
third timed section ok.
Heart revs were there,
was still ticking over the
gear, seemed good.

And then the lights went out.
There was a big battle with the
cramp monter in those dark
back alleys of slum town.
Classic stuff...

Why in the fuck,
am I doing this?
Asked a lot questions,
I didn't wanna answer.

The second 60/100 split
at Aid 3 was one of those
turns.  You know there is
no good to come from
either choice.

Bail = Months of gnawing regret.
Ride on = Me pushing my fucking
road bike up a climb because I had
nothing. Kip clop, Kip clop, Kip clop.

I ain't proud, fuck it.

What a fucking day.

And the with that, all I can say
 is Thank-you.

Thank you to Ralph & his crew for
putting on one hell of a series. Always
awesome to catch up with old friends.

And thanks to all the volunteers, your
loooong day is much appreciated.

And a special fuck you to the 'cakes, good stuff.